Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Trying to find religion/culture


"Mom, why do we have to worship a thousand gods?"
"Beta, we don't have that many gods, they are just deities of Bhagvan."

This conversation was typical every Sunday, when my parents would force me to go to Swadhiya school. Swadhiya, is basically the Indian version of Sunday school. I hated going because it meant getting up early, sitting for an hour and reciting prayers and discussing the significance of those prayers. I spent my years in high school trying to avoid my culture and religion. While my mom was adamant about me not forgetting my roots, I was determined on becoming uprooted and becoming my own person, whoever that was. I didn't like Indian food, (probably because my mom cooked it everyday) and all I wanted was a good old fashioned hamburger. I disliked going to Indian social parties, and I couldn't sit through an hour of Sunday School.

Currently, I regret my avoidance of my culture. During my freshman year of college, I published a three page auto-biography narrative which was published in our university's English test. The essay outlined my struggle living as an Indian and American. In high school, I was trying to be "American" while my parents tried to instill "Indian" values. The essay then went on to explain how I arrived in college and how I did not know who I was. Am I Indian, or am I American? I gave the essay a happy ending: I found both cultures, and I learned to hold onto my culture AND be American.

Oh, how I wish that happened. Sadly, I feel even more distanced from my culture than ever. With stress from living on my own, my financial aid from college falling through, my difficulty in finding a job, no car, and no social life, I feel as if I need culture/religion more than ever in my life.

I feel as if I need to establish some sort of an identity, because without it, I don't see what my purpose is.

1 comment

Robin said...

Keep exploring and questioning... you're young.. you will find your path.



About Me

My Photo
Kavita (luvikavi)
I am a 25 year old loud mouth by my words yet soft spoken at heart. I have love affairs with new thoughts, ideas, controversies, movies, news,helping those in need and politics. If something tickles my fancy, I will blog profusely about it. The world is filled with nonsense, and writing helps me grasp the reality, whatever that may be.
I graduated from Northern with a Bachelors in Health and Human Sciences, with an emphasis in family and individual development. I hope to GOD my thousand and thousand dollars in loans has prepared me enough for Grad school which I will be venturing off into this Fall of '10. YIKES!
View my complete profile